Avenue C & Eagle Drive

I’m not going to pad this with frilly commentary or a witty introduction. I’ll just say this: Zach Anner got fucked.

Do you know about Zach Anner? You probably have heard of him somewhere, but I’ll give you a quick rundown. Mr. Anner is a comedian with cerebral palsy, or, as he calls it, “the sexiest of all the palsys.” He lives in Austin where he does his stand-up routine. He submitted a video to Oprah’s “Who will be the next Oprah?” contest. It was hilarious, it was coherent, and it was a great idea. His Concept? A travel show where he will travel and see the world through the eyes of a disabled person. It wouldn’t be a serious, somber, oh-look-at-me-I’m-cripped-but-still-have-a-lot-of-heart show, but kind of like Anthony Bourdain minus the cooking, since he admitted that when he cooks he usually sets himself on fire.

Zach Anner was winning this contest, with over 9 million votes. Jon Mayer offered to write his show’s theme song. The internet raised him above their collective shoulders and told the world that he was a talent that could not be overlooked. But then the final results came.

Zach Anner ended up in seventh place, with 3 million votes. The vote was rigged. The first place winner was some airheaded bitch who wanted to “have a show with interesting stories.” A superficial, softball, intelligence-insulting program that would most likely involve the same boring tenets of Oprah’s yawn-inducing tearfest of a show. Sure, you can blame this on the producers of the upcoming reality show that the winner of this terrible contest will soon appear on, but the one person who could have made this right didn’t. Oprah Winfrey. She has always portrayed herself as a fair, honest, caring, compassionate individual, yet her show will now perpetuate the prejudice and unfairness that she has claimed to have fought her entire career. She’s no better than the people who treated her wrong in the beginning of her career because of her race and her gender. Her and her cronies probably believe that the airhead they chose will provide a more inspiring show, much like Oprah’s. But what could be more inspiring than a man with a terrible and debilitating disease overcoming his difficulties in order to do something that many able-bodied people dream of doing? I can’t think of anything, but apparently Oprah can.

The Harpo excuse for the vote-rigging is because the public was rigging the vote in favor of Anner. Well, it’s their fault for allowing you to vote as much as you wanted, and the public took advantage of it. We did it because Zach Anner was talented; because his concept worked; because he deserved it.

I never watched Oprah much, but I’ll be sure to never watch her godawful charade again. And I will always remind the people I know of how much of an unfair person she is. But, I do believe she should be nominated for an Emmy this year for her performance as a truly good person. She sure did have all of us fooled.